The Greatest Van Damme Comeback!

America loves its underdogs. America loves to watch the big man fall. What does America love more? Watching the underdog reach the top, fall to the bottom off, and then make the improbable comeback. Tiger Woods: we wanted him to succeed; he got too good so we wanted him to lose. Boom! Injury hits and we’re back in his corner rooting for the comeback. Lance Armstrong: a classic David verus Goliath story. We watched and cheered as he won an unbelievable 7 Le Tour de France titles. But somewhere in there we wanted to tear him down. He’s on the juice, he divorced his wife; he’s a cheat and an asshole. Three years off and trying to pull off the impossible and all of a sudden we’re dusting off our livestrong bracelets. Why is this? What is it about people that allows them to turn on their heroes and stars so easily; what lets us go from support and admiration to mocking and laughter? I don’t know. That’s for the really real philosophy blog. But this story, this tale is exactly what we’ve done to one of our favorite action heroes of the 80’s and 90’s, Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I suppose Jean-Claude Van Damme has always been something of a joke. Even when I was growing up and admiring everything about the man – his martial arts skills, athleticism, and smoothness with the ladies – I always found something comical about the way he handled himself in movies, whether it was his excessive yelling in slow motion (Bloodsport)

or his drunken-master dance moves (Kickboxer). But I was a faithful JCVD follower from my first few frames of Bloodsport all the way up to Universal Soldier: The Return (thank you Mom and Dad for not agreeing with the MPAA’s “inappropriate for children under 17” guidelines). But to most people I guess that’s what Van Damme is: the Belgian Steven Seagal - an action star who was good at his one thing and now his main purpose is to serve as the punch line in a Friday work email: Van Damme It's Friday!

But there is definitely more to the Muscles from Brussels than early ‘90s Cracker Jack action films. He has seen his fair share of ups and downs in both his professional and personal lives. Van Damme went from being “the man who brought John Woo to Hollywood” (Hard Target) to being that guy who did movies with Dennis Rodman and Rob Schneider. He went from wife 1 to wife 5 (and eventually back to wife #2). He went from happiness to depression and back and forth again. His life is a complicated one that has only recently found direction and solace. And with it comes one of the most powerful performances of the last year, if not at least the most sincere.

Simply, JCVD is a fictional movie based on the life of the real JCVD. A major star the world over, JCVD struggles to maintain a relationship with his family and make his marriage work. His career is becoming more of a joke and as it spirals down the toilet of Hollywood along with his bank account and happiness. Upon return to his hometown in Brussels, Van-Damme stops in a post office to pick up a check. There he gets caught in a robbery in progress and, due to his being seen through the window by local law enforcement, is assumed to be the perpetrator. Of course suspicions are only confirmed when people learn of his recent custody hearings and increasing debt. What follows is comedy and character study/redemptive film; a parody with a heart if you will. The opening scene of the film provides us with enough action to show that the muscles still has the speed and build, but also serves as a contrast to the rest of the movie. This film doesn’t take place on the battlefield, but rather in in a tense hostage situation and in the broken heart and failed dreams and hopes of Jean Claude Van-Damme.
At one point the Time Magazine had raved that Van-Damme had given "…the finest, most scab-pulling performance seen this year, " nothing short of Oscar® worthy. Perhaps a nod would have been nice, but with the past year’s talent, and a similar “fall from the top” film in The Wrestler, I don’t think Jean-Claude would have taken the statue home anyway. Is this the best movie ever? No, it certainly falls short in some areas. For instance, we could have used more examples of Van-Damme’s spiral downward and seen more of his dismal life that brought him to this point. Is it the greatest performance ever? Not quite…but JCVD breathes life into himself and we love him for it. He is reduced to a "normal" guy filled with fears, regret, dreams, love. Celebrity is deconstructed through a man who has known all its sides and ugly faces.

I won’t ruin it but this movie really does well involving a lot of different elements to tell a story, at one point using an honest and perfectly placed “confession” from its main character. At first you may think it’s out of place or cheap tricks, but give it a moment and you will be swept off your feet by a man who built a career by knocking people off theirs. Mickey Rourke had The Wrestler, Travolta had Pulp Fiction, and now JCVD has…well, JCVD! - - 4 reels out of 5

Gran Torino / Reader Submission #02

First I have a confession to make: I don’t watch Clint Eastwood movies. Ever. I know, I know. It’s a Cardinal Sin for a guy to admit this. I’m not really sure why honestly I don’t. I have nothing against the guy. I think he’s a great actor and a brilliant director; I just for some reason always pass on his movies. He’s like one of those bands I know I would really like if I put in the time to listen to them, but I simply haven’t. He’s my actor equivalent to the Foo Fighters.
With that now out of the way you will understand my first take on the movie. As soon as Clint opened his mouth, I was stunned. I wasn’t prepared to hear a 75 man have the voice combination of Batman and McGruff the Crime Dog. Now admittedly this is my fault for not knowing how Clint normally sounds in a movie so I cannot blame anyone but myself. It still, however, took some time to get used to the speaking voice. Once I stopped paying attention to the voice and focused on the words, they were amazing. Yes his general conversation was outrageously racist, but it was real. And don’t feel guilty for laughing at times to his comments. Some of them are so over the top that you cannot help but laugh at how ridiculous this man’s thought process really is. He was a Korean War vet who could not separate himself from his war time, still living in a mind set from 50 years earlier. With that mind set intact, his political incorrectness is extremely out of place in our current society but fits in fine in the world he still imagine he lives in. He constantly offends his neighbors and family with his racist names and stereotypes, yet manages to win them over at the same time with heroic actions. It’s a great battle of the non-hero rising to hero status while the whole time not wanting to do so. In the end he surprises everyone with one final act to save the neighborhood and show he wasn’t such a grouch all along.
Overall I give the movie a ”Definitely Rent” rating as it is worth the time and effort to see. It’s a nice combination of Falling Down, Boondock Saints, and any Clint Eastwood western movie (I’d name one, but as I mentioned before I haven’t seen them). Clint plays the same gritty, tough character you expect but reveals a soft spot at times to show there’s still a human in there. The supporting cast has a nice function with brother and sister neighbor roles which have completely opposite extrovert and introvert personalities to provide different interactions with Eastwood and keep things entertaining. So I recommend renting this movie on a slow Tuesday night when you want a nice combination of drama, action, and sarcastic dry humor. Crack open a cold Budweiser, enjoy the movie, but just don’t think of quoting Eastwood’s lines anywhere in public. Ever.
------------------------------end submission-----------------------------

Kevin, thank you for this submission. First, let me just encourage you to see some more Clint Eastwood (the actor) movies. A Fistful of Dollars, Dirty Harry, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Unforgiven; they’re definitely worth it and they came out in a time when action was maybe a bit over the top, but the characters were actually tough and weren’t softened up like today’s cowboys and cops.

I had been itching to see Gran Torino for some time, but I wanted to even more after receiving your submission. And so I did. Most of the movies directed by Clint are accompanied by critical praise, but this one seemed to either not be good enough or just slipped under the radar with Clint having directed what seems like 97 movies in 3 years. The lack of praise actually peaked my interest and made me wonder “will this be the best of the recent crop?” Well, was it? First, let’s address your points.


Clint does sound like an old grizzled man (which, obviously, he is) and his voice is somewhat comical especially when he mumbles the archetypal old man line, “Get off my lawn!” Of course, instead of shaking his fist in a pair of Depends he’s pointing a M1 Garand rifle at some kids face - definitely bad ass!

Your analysis of Walt (Clint Eastwood) and his inability to let go of his world from 50 years ago is so true. And you do find yourself laughing at some of his outlandish and racist comments. I’ll be the first to say I do not tolerate any type of derogatory language for race, religion, sexual orientation or whatever, but Walt’s character is definitely hiding a “Thesaurus: Racism Edition” somewhere in those hiked up khakis.

But the movie leaves a little something to be desired. Some of the developments of the relationship between Walt and his neighbors seem a bit rushed and half-baked. And the supporting characters are a bit weak, only popping up when they have something crucial to say or reveal rather than when would be consistent or appropriate for the character. For instance, the way his children handle their mother’s funeral is just mind boggling even if their relationship with their war vet father is strained. And the priest from the local church is supposed to be dedicated to convincing Walt to attend confession, but only comes around when he can advance the story. There are other issues, some with the plot points and development, others with acting. But in the end, the whole of this movie is greater than the sum of its parts.

This is not Clint Eastwood’s best movie in the last few years, but I must admit that I was pleased. Originally I hoped I would get a little more of a Boondock Saints vibe from this, but there is less vigilante and more humanity in Gran Torino than advertised. And it’s for the better. Walt goes on a very personal journey seeking salvation, something he has been in search of for over 50years. Along the way he befriends and effects people he thought he was sworn to hate and would never understand. He teaches those who thought they had the answers, and learns from those he thought could teach him nothing. Not everything for Walt wraps up with a nice bow and gift card, but he learns a lot about life near the end of his own when all he knew was loss and death. And it’s a great little journey to go on for 2+hrs even though at points the vehicle seems a little lost. Oh, and Kevin, don't drink a Budweiser with this movie. Crack open a Pabst Blue Ribbon; would Walt have it any other way? -- 3 reels out of 5

You're not better than "Joe Vs. The Volcano"

Yeah, I'm talking to you. You wanna poke fun at "Joe Vs. The Volcano"? Well my friend, you have some serious growing up to do. I am sick of when people talk about "bad movies" and "Joe" is included. "Joe" is a wonderful feel-good story which any "working Joe" can relate to, that's even why he's named "Joe" people! Come on! Let's go through some of the best parts together!

The Brain Cloud - Joe hates his job and hates his life. Then he is diagnosed with a terminal brain cloud and is given the opportunity to use his impending demise as a sacrifice for the small island tribe, the Waponi. All he has to do is jump into a volcano called The Big Woo, hence the title, "Joe Vs. the Volcano". Just an amazing set up for the further excellence that comes. Also, great acting from the "Unsolved Mysteries" guy as the doctor who gives Joe the bad news and Lloyd Bridges as the guy who wants him to sacrifice himself for the Waponi.

The Luggage - Joe's gonna do it and Lloyd Bridges is giving him a boatload of money to enjoy his last few days before the big jump. Joe goes on a spending spree with his limo driver, Ossie Davis (underrated) and they pick up the best luggage known to man. These trunks are better at holding your sh*t on a trip than Wayne Gretzky is at hockey stuff. The trunks float so well that not once, but twice they serve as a raft when Joe finds himself alone in the ocean and which leads to the best scene in the movie....

The Moon scene - This is when Joe and his lady friend are alone in the vast ocean with no land in sight. Death seems imminent and Joe's lady friend has been unconscious since their ship wrecked. It's at this moment when Joe realizes how much he appreciates life and how he will now live his life to the fullest, at least until he jumps into the volcano. It's a moment of clarity I think we all strive to attain someday and yeah I am writing 100% from the heart about "Joe Vs. the Volcano". YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN "JOE VS. THE VOLCANO".

Meg Ryan - Meg Ryan was hot. I mean really hot. Sadly, the surgically altered clown face we now know as Meg Ryan makes us forget this. It's nice to go back to see how she was, kinda like looking at old pictures of the Parthenon. She also really shows off her acting chops in this movie by playing no less than three different roles! That ain't easy. And how many characters does the leading lady play in your favorite movie? One? What a challenge, I bet you use the bumpers when you go bowling too. Bottom line, if I had the choice of 1990 Meg Ryan or saving a small tribe by jumping in a volcano it'd be a tough choice even if I had a brain cloud. And about that small tribe...

The Waponi - Gotta LOVE the Waponi. Any tropical tribe whose chief is played by Abe Vigoda and second in command is Nathan Lane cannot be matched for originality. Plus they love orange soda more than Kel Mitchell. They also really know how to send off a guy who's gonna jump in a volcano with one kickass party. Too bad they all died.

Yep, they all die. Joe tries to jump in the volcano and Meg Ryan goes with him and the volcano spits them both out. So I can't really say who won, Joe or the volcano, which I'd have to say is the only big flaw in the movie. But it ends with a bang as Joe and Meg Ryan float away on the luggage and we find out the doctor who told Joe he had a brain cloud was really working for Lloyd Bridges (who is Meg Ryan's dad) and it's all a lie. So Joe is fine and he and Meg Ryan love each other and life is good.

Is it the best movie ever? I guess not. But it's still a great story of a man who is miserable and is given the gift of appreciating his life when he's falsely diagnosed with a brain cloud. You got some good lines, some good actions scenes, and some nice romance. And it's got Ossie Davis! So stop acting like you're better than "Joe Vs. the Volcano" and pop it in the VCR one more time and enjoy. And remember no matter how bad your job is, you'll never be as miserable as Joe was.

Thirsty Thursday

I know I let you all down by missing a post yesterday, but I hope you can trust that I had important things keeping me away. And fun fact, I don't know if you were like me and thought you could drill a screw into a metal door but guess what? You can't.

With it being Thursday and many of you waiting until the clock strikes five to go out and get a refreshing beverage, I thought it was a good time to list some characters from movies I'd enjoying grabbing a beer with. Repeat, grab a beer with. The "Sex and the City" chicks and their cosmos are not eligible.

Band - Stillwater

People like the term "party like a rock star" so I thought my first group should be the guys from the band Stillwater from "Almost Famous". I like bands where the guys grew up together, not where someone answered an ad in the paper or someone was banging someone whose cousin's band needed a keyboardist. These guys seem like down to earth dudes, especially because in the movie they hadn't really hit it big yet. Finally, they were a rock band in the 70's so their stories would be outrageous and just get better as the Miller High Life kept flowing.

Criminals - Eddie, Tom, Soap and Bacon

The crew from "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" would be my choice for criminals I'd like to grab a pint with. Mostly because they're not real criminals, they just got put in a tough situation and had to act outside the law. That takes a lot of the danger out of the scenario and would make me feel a lot better about not being stabbed or have someone yell "I'm funny how?" at me. You also can't go wrong with Sting being the bartender at the bar they drink at either. And if Vinnie Jones came by to slam down a Smithwick's as well, I'd allow it and tell him I loved "Eurotrip".

Athletes - Cleveland Indians

The movie "Major League" might be my favorite all-time baseball movie. To all the people who just freaked out and said "What about 'Field of Dreams'?" Well in that movie Shoeless Joe Jackson bats right-handed when in real life he hit lefty. You can't have those type of errors and contend for top baseball movie in my opinion I don't care how touching that game of catch is. Besides we all know Rick Vaughn did actually pitch in the California Penal League. I just think the characters on this Indians club would be the balls to drink with. I feel like it would be similar to the "Wade Boggs once drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross-country trip" story.

Actors - Mikey, Trent, Rob, Sue and Charles

I bet you thought I meant real actors, didn't you? Actually I am referring to the guys from the movie "Swingers". Now I don't think I'd want to spend the weekend with these guys, but the night when they meet up with Charles (the blind guy from "Becker", shut up you watched "Becker") and they hang out talking about movies beforehand was cool with me. I wouldn't mind shooting the sh*t about some movies with this crew over some Blue Moons then hitting a party or bar. The one criteria I'd have is I get to be the one to say "Yeah this place is dead anyways" when we leave.

Regular guys - Willie, Tommy, Paul, Mo and Kev

Now here's my number one for guys I'd wanna have a Coors Light with. Just a couple regular guys from a snowy town in Massachusetts together for their high school reunion hanging at The Johnson Inn (They got apps!). They get MAJOR points for when they break into the rendition of "Sweet Caroline" because drunk singing is one of my all-time favorite pastimes. They also hang out with some pretty smoking ladies like Uma Thurman, Lauren Holly, Mira Sorvino and a 15-year-old Natalie Portman. Actually, move that last one to first on the list.

Have a fun and safe Thirsty Thursday everyone, and if there's any character you'd wanna have a beer with email us at reallyreelreviews@gmail.com or call in to the podcast next Wednesday.

Who came out ahead?

I was watching "Armageddon" in HD on Encore On Demand last night and I highly recommend it to all even if you've seen it. But that is not the point of this post. Rather seeing Liv Tyler having her stomach molested with animal crackers by Ben Affleck got me thinking. Who had the better career out of Liv Tyler and Alicia Silverstone?

The two appeared together in the Aerosmith video "Crazy" in 1993. Now if you haven't seen it, watch it now, I'll wait....Ok, you see it? Yeah guess what, that creepy lead singer? He's the dark haired one's dad!!! Let that set in for a second, how f*cking creepy is that? I thought the other day how if I had a daughter I wouldn't even let her wear a two piece bathing suit until she was married and he's having his daughter dance on a stripper pole in a music video when she was 16?? Also, fun fact, Liv didn't know Steven Tyler was her dad until she was nine because her mom told her it was someone else until Liv noticed a resemblance she had to Steven's other daughter. Now think about how Liv Tyler seems kinda normal, isn't that mind-blowing?

That's why these two actresses are connected and that's why I am gonna see which one of these two lovely ladies had the best career to date. We're going with four categories: Looks, Filmography, Personal Life, and Relevance Today.

Looks

Well it all comes down to the age old question of blonde vs brunette. I like both because of a different age old saying "beggars can't be choosers" but I know whatever I say many will disagree with because of your own personal preferences. I gotta go with Alicia here. I am a face guy and I just think she's got the better mug. Liv does have a nice body but normally chicks wear clothes like 80% of the time, the face can't hide like that.

Point - Silverstone

Filmography

Now I thought this was going to be a little bit more difficult, but I gotta be honest Liv smokes Alicia here. I guess I thought since Liv never was the main character of a big movie like Alicia was in "Clueless" it'd be more of a contest but it's not even close. Liv stars in two of my favorite movies about music ("Empire Records" and "That Thing You Do"), a big budget action blockbuster ("Armageddon"), an underrated drama ("Reign Over Me"), a horror movie ("The Strangers") and an Oscar winner ("Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" yeah it counts!). Alicia's credits aside from "Clueless" are pretty bad, such as "Blast From the Past". And no matter how hard she tries, she's not wiping the stink of "Batman and Robin" off. She does get a lot of credit in my book for having a guest appearance on "The Wonder Years" though. Kevin Arnold is the man.

Point - Tyler

Personal Life

I don't know why I included this. I guess I thought I'd find more when I looked it up, like one of them dated De Niro and the other banged Nicholson. Sadly, this is not the case. According to her wikipedia Alicia dated Leonardo DiCaprio at one point and Liv dated Joaquin Phoenix. Come to think of it in 20 years that could be like dating De Niro and Nicholson, that's kinda spooky how that came together like that. I didn't even plan that. Anyways, both of them eventually married dudes from bands you've never heard of. Even though Liv recently separated from her husband and there could be some scandalous sex tape in her future, I gotta call this a draw.

Point - Push

Relevance Today

This one is pretty obvious because I am sure most of you had forgotten about Alicia until I wrote this. Sadly, the career didn't seem to go the way the girl who once played Cher Horowitz intended. The biggest movie I see she's been in recently was "Beauty Shop", score. She has something coming out called "Elektra Luxx" in 2010. I don't know what that is and I have blog about movies so I can't imagine it's the career boost she's hoping for. Liv on the other hand was just in "The Incredible Hulk" and is working on a sequel to "The Strangers" as well as two more movies according to IMDB. Plus her dad is still the lead singer of Aerosmith, so she's got that going for her. So when it comes down to it, you just see/think/hear more about Liv than you do Alicia.

Point - Liv

So there you have it. As of right now, Liv Tyler has turned into the Shawn Michaels of the "Crazy" video and Alicia Silverstone is the Marty Jannetty. And we are two for two in blogging everyday while Eric's away so far. See you tomorrow?