Sunday, November 15, 2009

Who is the Baddest Bad Ass Villain?

When it comes to movies everyone likes to talk about “favorites”, “bests”, and “good”. Whatever happened to the bad? Stone/acid wash jeans and saying, oh so slickly, “that’s bad.” Sometimes Bad is a good thing. And that’s why I’m bringing it back and breaking out the tournament to find out who is not only bad, but who is the baddest. The baddest villains in movie history have agreed to meet in the Hendecagon for Really Reel Reviews’ Baddest Bad Ass Tournament. The Challengers have been divided into four separate regions: Famous Villains, Horror, Science, Classic Villains, Sci-Fi.

EAST REGION: Famous Villains
The Joker v. Hannibal Lecter: First off let’s establish that we’re going with the more sadistic Joker that we simultaneously loved and feared in The Dark Knight and with Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal. Both villains are psycho/sociopaths that would make Charlie Manson brown his tighty-whities. Both have done stints in insane asylums and escaped only to wreak more havoc. This is one of those first round bouts that would go the distance and become epic, perhaps too early in the tournament. Lecter is a well-educated man who is pretty much as disturbed as a man can be .He knows everyone’s next move before they do and usually makes you pay…by using your brain as airplane snacks. But most of what we know about Lecter is through story and reflection, and in 2 out of 3 movies in which Hopkins portrayed Lecter he’s really serving as an aide to police, a snitch…and we all know snitches get stitches and end up in ditches. And that’s where The Joker will put him. A sadomasochistic-pyschopathic genius who possesses the intelligence of the world’s greatest hero – Batman – and the sinister traits of all the world’s worst villains. WINNER: The Joker

Johnny Lawrence v. Darth Vader: “Put him in a body bag, Johnny!” Sorry, pal, not this time. Your dumbass got crane kicked in the face by a kid you already hobbled. Nice defense, idiot. Good luck fighting the dark side of the force. WINNER: Darth Vader

Freddy Krueger v. Michael Meyers: I’ve always hated Michael Meyers. It pissed me off how he could catch up to people who were running and he just walked. I think he’s a punk and when it comes down to masks he has the worst one. But Freddy’s got style. Freddy wears his deformity like a badge of honor and he’s the only murderer daring enough to wear a J. Crew sweater while slicing whiny brats to bits. Freddy would rip Meyers to pieces, no contest. WINNER: Freddy Krueger

Leatherface v. JigSaw: Ooooh, this is another tough one. Task forces of police can’t take down JigSaw. By the time you realize where he is or what he’s up to it’s too late and you’re already trapped in one of his elaborate torture-porn schemes. On the other hand, Leatherface is a chainsaw wielding freak who did to body chopping what Edward Scissorhands did to landscaping. Without JigSaw getting the jump on Leatherface – which he couldn’t – he’s just a sickly old man who doesn’t have the stones to kill anyone. The best part of this would be watching JigSaw get a little taste of his own terrible tasting – like Robitussin bad – medicine. WINNER: Leatherface

NORTH REGION: Classic Villains
Vampires v. Zombies: If we go with the baddest Zombies out there, like the Rage-Type zombies from 28 Days/Weeks Later, then it’s possible they could stand a chance and get the drop on a Vampire. The thing about defeating a Zombie is that you want space and lots and lots of artillery. For Vampires it’s a little different. You need smarts, strategy, and – depending on your beliefs – some other artifacts or trendy objects. To get an idea of how close and ridiculous this bout would be just watch Tyson v. Holyfield, the biting and blows that happened there are almost as exciting as what you’d get here. Zombies are relentless, but Vampires are too cool and they need blood just as much as Zombies. In a bout that is sure to go the distance…WINNER: Vampires

Frankenstein’s Monster v. Werewolves: Seriously? There are only two things that are more of a punk than Frankenstein’s Monster: Frankenstein himself and Johnny Lawrence. WINNER: Werewolves.


Predator v. Valdamort: This bout comes down to an age old philosophical question: is the wand truly mightier than that sick ass wrist thingy? In true rock-paper-scissor fashion wrist thingy beats stickWINNER: Predator

Alien v. Terminator: Pick your best Alien and your worst Terminator and I still think the Terminators come out on top. Aliens dominate in tight spaces, vent ducts, and creepy, other-worldly habitats. They simply have no predatorial abilities except over humans. Aliens were the prey of Predators and I am confident they’d be wiped out by any terminator in a matter of moments. Bleeding or spitting acid or not…WINNER: Terminator

The Joker v. Darth Vader: From my brief stint as a mega-nerd I discovered that the force operates on emotions – anger, jealously, fear, that sort of thing. If you believe the Joker is an angry, jealous man then Vader has the upper hand. However, I think The Joker’s mind is too distorted and cannot be mapped by words like “fear” and “anger”. I think he’s too complex to fall victim to Mind Tricks and force choke grips, and smart enough to avoid the light-saber or telepathically thrown boxes. Instead The Joker will play mind games that will exploit Vader’s own emotions and hot-headedness. Some will call it the upset of the century, but I think it’s an epic showdown with total destruction of all things around it and only one survivor. WINNER: The Joker

Freddy Krueger v. Leatherface: I really think that Leatherface is one of the baddest dudes out there. Have you ever tried to just walk with a chainsaw and not cut off your own hands? This guy can run and cut you to bits…but even bad ass serial killers need sleep. And that’s when Freddy says, “night-night, freak.” WINNER: Freddy Krueger

Vampires v. Werewolves: Ugh, all the tweens out there just soiled their pants in extreme glee thinking this was a Twilight: New Moon reference. There have been many film instances in which these two famous creatures have battled each other. In a caged death match it’ll come down to brains v. brawns and in this case brains will take the edge. As BJ Penn said in regards to this battle, “it’s like matador versus the bull.” WINNER: Vampires

Predator v. Terminator: T-1000 is perhaps the greatest villain in movie history. I don’t think anyone will disagree with that fact. And unless there is bubbling hot lava or liquid nitrogen on the Predator’s wrist band I’m pretty sure he’ll get sliced to bits. In a perfect scenario the T-1000 shape shifts into a Predator and just toys with him for a moment, something similar to the “guard with coffee” scene in T-2, an oldy but goody. WINNER: Terminator

The Joker v. Freddy Krueger: In the West Region Finals we saw Freddy put Leatherface six feet under in his sleep. But the only person’s whose dreams may be more disturbing than his everyday life as a villain is The Joker. Again, I think he’s one of the smartest human villains in film and comic book history. He’s conniving, disturbing, and yet, in a way, charming. Freddy, you fought well and proud, but the tournament underdog is taking this one. WINNER: The Joker

Vampires v. Terminator: There is nothing a Vampire can do a Terminator. There is no blood to take from a T-1000 and very little from at 800 series of Terminator. Again, with no major weapons systems the Vampires stand no chance and at the very least a Terminator could stand by idly and wait for a Vampire to starve to death. Vampires are like the Arizona Cardinals: they’re good, but mainly made it this far because of their poop region (yes, I know the Cardinals are a decent team. Just go with the analogy). WINNER: Terminator

CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT: Death is the Only Way Out
The Joker v. Terminator: If you dropped an atomic bomb on a state fair it wouldn’t compare to the carnage that would ensue in this showdown. I have already called each of these two the greatest villains in history. But who would win? Terminator: advanced weapon systems, devoid of emotion and relentless killing abilities. The Joker: extremely intelligent and a seemingly endless amount of resources. Taking into account the sadomasochistic personality of The Joker I think he would be willing to put himself in a harmful situation to overtake any of the Terminators…but he’d fail. T-1000 can only be stopped in a couple of ways and without access to those tools The Joker would fall, but only after severely hindering Terminator. A fight for the ages and one that would forever disable T-1000, the greatest Terminator, villain, and baddest bad ass…


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