The Day I Lost 180 Minutes

I love having days away from work as much as the next guy. I’m a lazy s.o.b. hence a site dedicated to an activity where I get to sit motionless for 2hour bouts. But the downside to days off is that during the daylight hours there is absolutely nothing worth watching on television. And during the holidays it’s even worse; networks play it safe by turning to marathons, most of which consist of the same movie on a loop. Let’s face it, if that movie is not A Christmas Story then the chance of getting even one view from guys like me is pretty slim. Even the premium channels are weak during the day. But they have “On Demand” so I figured why not check out their library and see if there is anything I haven’t seen. Oh neat, The Day The Earth Stood Still. I would never want to pay for it, but since it’s free why not?

A remake of the 1951 film, this update stars Keanu Reeves as Klaatu, an alien visitor; Jennifer Connelly as Dr. Helen Benson, an astro-biologist; Jaden Smith as Jacob Benson, the young, pain in the ass stepson of the good doctor; and a large, cycloptic alien defense system made up of tiny metallic termites. The plot is simple enough: a large glowing sphere is on a crash course with Manhattan. Convinced it will wipe out the city and that there is zero time to evacuate, the geniuses of the U.S. Government decide to round up the most brilliant scientific minds to examine the aftermath. But when the sphere slows and coasts harmlessly into Central Park the inhabitants of earth are not overjoyed for being spared, instead reach historic levels of panic and automatically assume a state of fear/policy of “shoot first, ask questions later.”

You would think from all the trailer and promotion of the “IMAX experience” for this movie that it would at least be a sci-fi, special effects extravaganza. SPOILER ALERT!! It’s not. It’s an overly dramatic movie that puts a lot of its heavy burden on Jaden Smith’s back and acting performance. While he’s fine at what he needs to do, the movie just falls flat and here’s why. Klaatu professes to Helen that his mission to earth is to save the Earth. But not it’s homo sapien inhabitants, oh no. The Earth. The question Klaatu must answer is: Are humans capable of change? Can they change their ways in order to save their planet and forego intergallaticly sanctioned genocide?

After sitting through 2hours of movie watching an inept government run a “seek and kill” mission for a being they do not understand and watching people riot and run in fear I was kind of on Klaatu’s side. You know what? Unleash the hounds and locusts. Let it all burn down! People don’t change and they treat their planet like crap. If we’re going to make movies with warnings about how we treat our planet and each other then let’s go all the way across the finish line to at least get the message across. Why cop out at the end and go for the sob story? Even innocent men will confess to a crime when a gun is to their head. So people becoming “nice” near the end of existence means nothing about the ability to achieve true change.
I’m sure you can guess how this movie played out. More spheres appear and serve as arcs to help transplant non-human animals safely away from the planet while the locust-like metallic termites go to work on the eastern seaboard. Perhaps what you didn’t expect is a lack of depth for Jennifer Connelly. Her character is a waste and serves a babysitter and dialogue medium to progress the story. She is far too talented to be relegated to a role such as this one. Jaden Smith shows some talent and I’m sure we’ll be seeing much more of him in years to come. And Keanu…the one thing that is not going to help his acting image is playing an emotionless alien…or maybe it’s right up his alley.

You know, this movie is not so much bad as it is just not good. I’d say skip it because you’ll want to finish it just to prove to yourself that you can and that’s a challenge no one should undertake -- 1 reel out of 5

If you’re keeping score there’s still a little over 60minutes remaining on my time lost. And that time went to The Girlfriend Experience, a Steven Soderbergh film made on less than a $2M budget and filmed in less than two weeks starring porn star Sasha Grey. I’d love to tell you what this movie is about, but truth is I don’t know. I mean, I know that for 76 minutes I watched as a high-end escort (Sasha Grey as Chelsea/Christine) went on several…uh…client dinners listening to men complain about the impending 2008 Presidential election and economic decline all while struggling with her open relationship with her gym trainer boyfriend, Chris.


But the film is not presented chronologically and Soderbergh should know better. There is no reason for this cheap trick other than to keep us intrigued by what we do not know, for had this story been told chronologically we all would have walked out by minute 30.

It’s a weak movie with an even weaker storyline that probably would have been best served as a series of vignettes about the economy and election rather than a movie held together by a balsa wood premise. In fact, the most brilliant thing about this movie is the fact that Soderbergh n’ crew were kind enough to keep the runtime under 90minutes.

Grey’s performance is better than I expected, but in no way does it measure up to the hype I had been hearing. Like the movie itself, her character lacks any real depth or dilemma. I am confident, however, that she has the capability to turn in a much stronger acting performance if given the tools (not sure if a pun was intended there). The only reason I will give it a better score than The Day The Earth Stood Still is because this may be something die hard Soderbergh fans will appreciate. But I think instead of wowing you with a surprise performance the movie disappoints at every turn -- 2 reels out of 5

Who is the Baddest Bad Ass Villain?

When it comes to movies everyone likes to talk about “favorites”, “bests”, and “good”. Whatever happened to the bad? Stone/acid wash jeans and saying, oh so slickly, “that’s bad.” Sometimes Bad is a good thing. And that’s why I’m bringing it back and breaking out the tournament to find out who is not only bad, but who is the baddest. The baddest villains in movie history have agreed to meet in the Hendecagon for Really Reel Reviews’ Baddest Bad Ass Tournament. The Challengers have been divided into four separate regions: Famous Villains, Horror, Science, Classic Villains, Sci-Fi.

EAST REGION: Famous Villains
The Joker v. Hannibal Lecter: First off let’s establish that we’re going with the more sadistic Joker that we simultaneously loved and feared in The Dark Knight and with Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal. Both villains are psycho/sociopaths that would make Charlie Manson brown his tighty-whities. Both have done stints in insane asylums and escaped only to wreak more havoc. This is one of those first round bouts that would go the distance and become epic, perhaps too early in the tournament. Lecter is a well-educated man who is pretty much as disturbed as a man can be .He knows everyone’s next move before they do and usually makes you pay…by using your brain as airplane snacks. But most of what we know about Lecter is through story and reflection, and in 2 out of 3 movies in which Hopkins portrayed Lecter he’s really serving as an aide to police, a snitch…and we all know snitches get stitches and end up in ditches. And that’s where The Joker will put him. A sadomasochistic-pyschopathic genius who possesses the intelligence of the world’s greatest hero – Batman – and the sinister traits of all the world’s worst villains. WINNER: The Joker

Johnny Lawrence v. Darth Vader: “Put him in a body bag, Johnny!” Sorry, pal, not this time. Your dumbass got crane kicked in the face by a kid you already hobbled. Nice defense, idiot. Good luck fighting the dark side of the force. WINNER: Darth Vader

WEST REGION: Horror
Freddy Krueger v. Michael Meyers: I’ve always hated Michael Meyers. It pissed me off how he could catch up to people who were running and he just walked. I think he’s a punk and when it comes down to masks he has the worst one. But Freddy’s got style. Freddy wears his deformity like a badge of honor and he’s the only murderer daring enough to wear a J. Crew sweater while slicing whiny brats to bits. Freddy would rip Meyers to pieces, no contest. WINNER: Freddy Krueger

Leatherface v. JigSaw: Ooooh, this is another tough one. Task forces of police can’t take down JigSaw. By the time you realize where he is or what he’s up to it’s too late and you’re already trapped in one of his elaborate torture-porn schemes. On the other hand, Leatherface is a chainsaw wielding freak who did to body chopping what Edward Scissorhands did to landscaping. Without JigSaw getting the jump on Leatherface – which he couldn’t – he’s just a sickly old man who doesn’t have the stones to kill anyone. The best part of this would be watching JigSaw get a little taste of his own terrible tasting – like Robitussin bad – medicine. WINNER: Leatherface

NORTH REGION: Classic Villains
Vampires v. Zombies: If we go with the baddest Zombies out there, like the Rage-Type zombies from 28 Days/Weeks Later, then it’s possible they could stand a chance and get the drop on a Vampire. The thing about defeating a Zombie is that you want space and lots and lots of artillery. For Vampires it’s a little different. You need smarts, strategy, and – depending on your beliefs – some other artifacts or trendy objects. To get an idea of how close and ridiculous this bout would be just watch Tyson v. Holyfield, the biting and blows that happened there are almost as exciting as what you’d get here. Zombies are relentless, but Vampires are too cool and they need blood just as much as Zombies. In a bout that is sure to go the distance…WINNER: Vampires

Frankenstein’s Monster v. Werewolves: Seriously? There are only two things that are more of a punk than Frankenstein’s Monster: Frankenstein himself and Johnny Lawrence. WINNER: Werewolves.

SOUTH REGION: Sci-Fi

Predator v. Valdamort: This bout comes down to an age old philosophical question: is the wand truly mightier than that sick ass wrist thingy? In true rock-paper-scissor fashion wrist thingy beats stickWINNER: Predator

Alien v. Terminator: Pick your best Alien and your worst Terminator and I still think the Terminators come out on top. Aliens dominate in tight spaces, vent ducts, and creepy, other-worldly habitats. They simply have no predatorial abilities except over humans. Aliens were the prey of Predators and I am confident they’d be wiped out by any terminator in a matter of moments. Bleeding or spitting acid or not…WINNER: Terminator

EAST REGION FINALS: Famous Villains
The Joker v. Darth Vader: From my brief stint as a mega-nerd I discovered that the force operates on emotions – anger, jealously, fear, that sort of thing. If you believe the Joker is an angry, jealous man then Vader has the upper hand. However, I think The Joker’s mind is too distorted and cannot be mapped by words like “fear” and “anger”. I think he’s too complex to fall victim to Mind Tricks and force choke grips, and smart enough to avoid the light-saber or telepathically thrown boxes. Instead The Joker will play mind games that will exploit Vader’s own emotions and hot-headedness. Some will call it the upset of the century, but I think it’s an epic showdown with total destruction of all things around it and only one survivor. WINNER: The Joker

WEST REGION FINALS: Horror
Freddy Krueger v. Leatherface: I really think that Leatherface is one of the baddest dudes out there. Have you ever tried to just walk with a chainsaw and not cut off your own hands? This guy can run and cut you to bits…but even bad ass serial killers need sleep. And that’s when Freddy says, “night-night, freak.” WINNER: Freddy Krueger

NORTH REGION FINALS: Classic Villains
Vampires v. Werewolves: Ugh, all the tweens out there just soiled their pants in extreme glee thinking this was a Twilight: New Moon reference. There have been many film instances in which these two famous creatures have battled each other. In a caged death match it’ll come down to brains v. brawns and in this case brains will take the edge. As BJ Penn said in regards to this battle, “it’s like matador versus the bull.” WINNER: Vampires

SOUTH REGION FINALS: Sci-Fi
Predator v. Terminator: T-1000 is perhaps the greatest villain in movie history. I don’t think anyone will disagree with that fact. And unless there is bubbling hot lava or liquid nitrogen on the Predator’s wrist band I’m pretty sure he’ll get sliced to bits. In a perfect scenario the T-1000 shape shifts into a Predator and just toys with him for a moment, something similar to the “guard with coffee” scene in T-2, an oldy but goody. WINNER: Terminator

THE FINAL FOUR
The Joker v. Freddy Krueger: In the West Region Finals we saw Freddy put Leatherface six feet under in his sleep. But the only person’s whose dreams may be more disturbing than his everyday life as a villain is The Joker. Again, I think he’s one of the smartest human villains in film and comic book history. He’s conniving, disturbing, and yet, in a way, charming. Freddy, you fought well and proud, but the tournament underdog is taking this one. WINNER: The Joker

Vampires v. Terminator: There is nothing a Vampire can do a Terminator. There is no blood to take from a T-1000 and very little from at 800 series of Terminator. Again, with no major weapons systems the Vampires stand no chance and at the very least a Terminator could stand by idly and wait for a Vampire to starve to death. Vampires are like the Arizona Cardinals: they’re good, but mainly made it this far because of their poop region (yes, I know the Cardinals are a decent team. Just go with the analogy). WINNER: Terminator

CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT: Death is the Only Way Out
The Joker v. Terminator: If you dropped an atomic bomb on a state fair it wouldn’t compare to the carnage that would ensue in this showdown. I have already called each of these two the greatest villains in history. But who would win? Terminator: advanced weapon systems, devoid of emotion and relentless killing abilities. The Joker: extremely intelligent and a seemingly endless amount of resources. Taking into account the sadomasochistic personality of The Joker I think he would be willing to put himself in a harmful situation to overtake any of the Terminators…but he’d fail. T-1000 can only be stopped in a couple of ways and without access to those tools The Joker would fall, but only after severely hindering Terminator. A fight for the ages and one that would forever disable T-1000, the greatest Terminator, villain, and baddest bad ass…

BADDEST BAD ASS 1 CHAMPION: TERMINATOR

The Black List

The other day we decided to see Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day and we were lucky enough to gatch a glimpse of the new Hughes Brothers film The Book of Eli starring Denzel Washington. I asked myself, what was the last Hughes Bros. movie I remember ? Holy crap! From Hell, 2001. And then I started thinking about the long and varied, but ultimately successful career of Mr. Washington. Wow, three very talented black filmmakers teaming up together for what looks like a pretty bad-ass action flick. This train of thought barreled right past the station platform and into a whirlwind of thought about the current status of Black actors and filmmakers today. With an interracial President in the oval office I think it’s important to look back at how far we – yes, this is a term that is applied to all humanity not just one race, ethnicity, religion – have come as a civilization, nation, world.

Not long ago HBO decided to ask – and seeked to answer - these questions with a documentary vehicle The Black List: Vol. 1 which was an Official Selection 2008 Sundance Film Festival. HBO decided to continue the examination with The Black List: Vol 2 which "profiles some of today's most fascinating African-Americans. From the childhood inspirations that shaped their ambitions, to the evolving American landscape they helped define, to the importance of preserving a unique cultural identity for future generations, these prominent individuals offer a unique look into the zeitgeist of black America, redefining the traditional pejorative notion of a blacklist."

A lot of people like to talk about art imitating life and vice-versa, but either way you look at it I think our celebrities and leaders help to begin to paint the picture of America’s current status in a variety of areas. Unfortunately, the success and acceptance of a lot of celebrities masks the inequities and injustices that many Americans today face due to status: racial, social, economical. The Black List: Vol. 2 helps expose and unmask what is all too often a mystery or surprise to many Americans. And this is done through conversation and reflection. The entertainers and entrepreneurs featured in this volume – Maya Rudolph, Tyler Perry, and my man RZA – talk about those who have inspired them by making countless and overlooked sacrifices that have allowed all of us – regardless of race – to enjoy their talent.

I highly recommend picking up a copy; you can get it for mad cheap at Target and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to UNCF. Pick it up, pop it in, and digest - I’m telling you no matter who you are you will find someone on here to relate to and a story that will touch you. The Black List: Vol. 2 trascends race and becomes something more - an invaluable dialogue in which we should all take part.

You can catch/follow The Black List at any of the below links:
Webpage Twitter Facebook Myspace

And make sure you check out the below exlusive interview with R3's new favorite woman, Maya Rudolph.

Keepin' It Really Reel Award - September '09

I’m not the type of person who gets surprised easily. I tend to stand back from situations and analyze the people and events involved and try to make as objective a conclusion as possible. And since most people don’t change, or I’m just too young to have seen it, I’d say I have Ted Williams-ish reliability. But here I am to admit that I have made a mistake about one of America’s “it” ladies. No doubt she’s done amazing things the world over, but I was just never sold on her as a top shelf actor – or class-A beauty, but that’s neither here nor there. Angelina Jolie, I offer my apologies for doubting your acting chops. I don’t know why I thought I could disprove your talent especially since you come from a talented family. If this apology is not enough I’m sure I can think of something to make up for it. Ah, I’ve got it! How about the September 2009 Keepin’ It Really Reel Award? (Ms. Jolie was not available for comment).

I never outright said I hated her, but I did take a few cheap shots in one entry about female action heroes. But looking at it honestly, the movies were hokey and what was she supposed to do with a role like Lara Croft? Even an infant could see she was given the role solely because of her physical appearance, and while the people with a logical brain were obviously on a beer run, someone thought they had a hit movie on their hands. But redemption comes along but so often and for mine and Angeline’s relationship it came in the form of not one, but two movies I saw this month, A Mighty Heart and Changeling.

A Mighty Heart is the true story of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl’s abduction as told through the eyes of his pregnant wife, Marianne Pearl. Sometimes it’s hard to say how you feel about a true story because the events are so traumatic, so powerful that the eyes of objectivity are blinded. But this is a movie when you have to sit through the anger, the heartbreak, and the frustration so that you can take away its lessons. And the only reason it works simultaneously as a form of entertainment and honor is because of Angelina Jolie’s performance. We first meet her as the patient, understanding, loving wife and mother-to-be that she is. But what follows is a world wind of a performance that knocks you off your feet and leaves you speechless. Even in the saddest or most uplifting of movies I never cry; this was not one of those times (I actually didn’t cry. I was close, but this statement is staying in for effect!). It’s a movie that is so heavy I can’t outright recommend it to people without the “approach with caution” disclaimer, but A Mighty Heart is one incredible film held up by the shoulders of Angelina Jolie. – 4 reels out of 5

And then there is Changeling; the true story of Christine Collins and her search for her son, Walter. The LAPD, in their attempts to save face and hide corruption, deliver to her a child that is not her son, and, in the craziest of true story twists, consult doctors and experts who deem Christine “mentally unstable” for not recognizing her own son! As my wife has said, “this is one of the best movies I hate.” What she means is that it’s just a tough pill to swallow; it’s never fun seeing kids disappear and having to go through the thought process of all the terrible things that could happen to them (see Gone Baby Gone). And that anger, disgust, and frustration is only heightened by the deliberate attempts of the LAPD to stymie Christine’s efforts of finding her real son. Think about it: being told you’re crazy by the people who know they made a mistake and whose job it is to protect you – that’s like being buried alive; there is no more claustrophobic feeling than that. But the reason we continue on the journey is because Angelina Jolie captivates us at every turn. Obviously we want to know what happened to Walter and what will happen to all those involved in this conspiracy, but the unease in our stomach is settled a bit by Jolie. Her performance is honest and visceral (I’m sure being a mother of 19 kids helps) and for that this pill goes down a bit easier…of course you’ll never take another dose. – 3 reels out of 5

There you have it. But is that enough to take home this month’s award? The reason Angelina Jolie deserves the award is because it’s clear that she makes movies she wants to make. She has an amazing talent and that shouldn’t be overlooked because of films like Tomb Raider or Wanted. Perhaps these movies allow her to do all the things she does in her real life as a just and honorable human being and ambassador to human rights and world heath. And those are the reasons that Angelina Jolie takes home September’s award – because all she knows how to do is Keep it Really Reel - on screen and off.

Teeth

Sometimes things are so campy that we can’t help but love them. Other times their just excessively so that we’re turned off by the attempt to be something more important than just what it is – a bad movie. And then there are those in between: a motley crew of elements, ideas, themes that most people probably get fooled into thinking they have a great, poignant film on their hands when all they have is a mess. We don’t hate them, we don’t love them. We watch them and when the credits roll we walk out the same as when we went in just two hours older.

A perfect example of this is Teeth, a horroredy from writer-director Mitchell Lichtenstein about the newest edition to Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week” (click her to get real synopsis).
When it was released in 2007 I couldn’t get two feet without hearing praise for this movie. And it wasn’t the Williamsburg “Juno is the greatest movie ever!” hipster crowd that was saying this. I’m talking about legit critics on Reel Talk on NBC, Entertainment Weekly, etc. So I thought, “how could these good people steer me wrong?” Oh, my ignorance knows no bounds.

Look, I’m all for “different”, “quirky”, or whatever, but let’s just go down the list of bad things this movie has to offer:
1. Jess Weixler (Dawn), our heroine: She’s terrible in this movie. Is it supposed to be on purpose? I don’t know and I don’t care. She’s basically doing a terrible Delia Deetz impersonation the whole movie. Guess what Jess, you’re no Delia Deetz!
2. Every other actor: Shame on you all! I understand campy, but come on. Where did they find the guy who was supposed to be her initial love interest (Hale Appleman)? He looked like the Jonas brother they locked up in the basement for being too weird (yeah, because the other three are sooooooo normal).
3. Too much penis: Honestly, not really a problem because this is a movie about the power of women, women’s sexuality, etc. But the problem with the excessive count is that they’re never attached to a body! Someone call Trojan and tell them they need to make a chainmaille condom, stat!
4. Was there an unmentioned environmental theme to this movie? Are those Mr. Burns’ smoking power plant stacks in the background? Ok, I get it. I’ll turn off my lights!
5. Just too slow: We all know where this is going. Early on I kind of knew we’d end up with a vagina toothed, penis crunching vigilante by the end of our movie. So let’s move this pony along if we’re not going to do anything in the middle.

Seriously though, I laughed out-loud a few times during this movie although it was usually preceded by making sure my ol' "flux capacitors" were still there. I did enjoy the “power of women/sexuality” themes. I’m sure you can come across a lot of people who will love this movie - its comedic timing, its thesis and themes, and ability to present equal parts horror and comedy. But for me, this movie just fell short. It wasn’t that funny, and it was never too scary, just gory with its bad props (again, on purpose, but it just didn’t work for me). And as I stated earlier, there was just too much going on and the whole suffered.

And I’m not going to give it any leeway because of its trendiness/campiness; movies have to prove to me that I should be watching. The street doesn’t run the other way. The burden of proof lays with the filmmaker and his/her crew. I’m tired of cutting movies slack just so I can say “it’s good for that type of movie”. That’s BS! Good movies are good movies and if you’re asking for me to give you $15 at a theatre or two hours of my at home time then you better live up to your end of the deal.

In the end, Teeth didn’t make me want to recommend it to anyone. Instead it just left me wondering: what’s Dawn’s orthodontic bill look like? – 2 reels out of 5