Thursday, August 6, 2009

Is "The Happening" the worst movie of all-time?

When M. Night Shyamalan came out with his latest film called "The Happening" I was rather intrigued. I know his movies since "The Sixth Sense" have all fallen kind of flat, even though I thought "Signs" was pretty good and I liked "Unbreakable". Still every time he comes out with something new the trailers completely suck me in and I can't wait to see the movie.

Well I was a little bit late to the dance on this flick, and when my friends saw it opening weekend and told me it was the worst movie they'd ever seen I was not as eager to shell out $12 to see it. So I did the next best thing, I made my friend Mike tell me the whole movie, and it sounded like the worst movie I'd ever heard of.

But it would be unfair to M. Night to simply give his movie such a title without viewing it myself and that is what I plan to do right now. It was on HBO last night, I DVR-ed it and am going to watch it and keep a running diary throughout the movie and let's just see at the end if this will hold onto the belt in the World's Worst Movie championship! (Spoiler alert: It's a running diary of the whole movie, I'm gonna discuss plot points, twists and the end so if you wanna see it at some point don't read this. But let's face it, if you're trying to guard yourself from having "The Happening" ruined for you then I think you have some more serious issues to focus on.)

0:02 - I'm so excited for Marky Mark, I can't wait to see him try to pull off being a simple science teacher. By the way, poor hiring background checks at this high school that would hire Wahlberg after he fingered Reese Witherspoon on a ferris wheel when she was 16.

0:03 - The credits are white text against a back drop of white clouds making reading it like taking an eye exam, not a good sign for where we're headed.

0:08 - A bunch of people just mysteriously killed themselves in New York City. I didn't know Knicks fans had come that far!

0:09 - Wahlberg just told a high school boy he had a perfect face, I told you they should have done that background check.

0:12 - Ferris Bueller's best friend Cameron playing the principal, it's going to be tough to beat that for best cameo. Also they think it was a terrorist attack in New York and Wahlberg goes "Central Park? That's kinda odd." Yeah Mark, it's odd terrorists would target a highly populated area in NYC for an attack.

0:14 - Painful scene of John Leguizamo and Wahlberg talking to let us know that Wahlberg's wife might be leaving him. I have a hunch this "happening" might bring them closer together. Wahlberg's wife played by Zooey Deschanel keeps getting cell calls from a "Joey", possible male lover but I'm hoping for Joey Potter from "Dawson's Creek".

0:20 - People start killing themselves in Philadelphia, which is fitting because it's like a Baby New York.

0:23 - The train Wahlberg got on with his wife and Leguizamo just stopped in a random PA town. I like how the train randomly stops, all the conductors are just talking and no one besides Wahlberg goes up to them to see what's going on. Wahlberg also just said "We're in a small town, nothing will happen to us here." Awesome.

0:27 - Some random woman gets a video on her phone from a zoo where a man goes into a lion's den and lets lions rip off his arms. M. Night is really letting loose with the R rating here. The news says it's no longer likely a terrorist attack and shows a map of it only hitting the northeast with the town Wahlberg's in being the center. Way to jinx yourself Mark, maybe next he'll say "I bet if this was a movie it'd be a sure-fire hit!"

0:29 - The classic random guy says "If we stay here we're all gonna die". Everyone leaves, Leguizamo heads to Jersey to get his wife, Wahlberg and his wife take his kid and go off with a family.

0:31 - They get to the family's house which is right near two gigantic stacks from a power plant. A more effective way to establish the theme might have been to have a sky writer spell out "Man is ruining the environment". The family keeps a greenhouse and says plants can release chemicals and are affected by humans. See where we're heading here?

0:36 - Uh-oh Leguizamo gets to Jersey but it's "happened" there too and they drive right into a tree. He survives then slits his wrists with the broken windshield. M Night is really going gruesome with these deaths.

0:41 - Wow, this is really falling apart. A woman is talking to her daughter who is in Jersey and Wahlberg has her ask if it's infected. The woman asks and she says everyone's dead outside. Wahlberg semi reacts, five seconds pass, the woman then says honey you're talking funny and THEN Wahlberg goes "What do you mean everyone's dead?" Again, at least 5 seconds had passed after she said everyone was dead and she had gone on to a new topic before Wahlberg asked that. I mean he had to have missed his cue there right? Please? Think about if someone said to you we're out of mayo and you waited five seconds and waited for them to start another conversation before saying "What do you mean we're out of mayo?" People don't act like this M. Night!

0:45 - Halfway done. This movie is bad. It's clearly plants doing this, we get it. I'll recycle my cans now M. Night, mission accomplished. Wahlberg's wife admits to having dessert with Joey, that's it. And it's not Joey Potter, it's a dude. Swing and a miss.

0:48 - People start shooting themselves and Wahlberg's wife goes "We can't just stand here as uninvolved observers!" which is interesting because I think if I heard people blowing their brains out my first statement would not be nearly as well thought out and would be closer to "Holy f*cking sh*t!!! Oh f*ck, oh f*ck. Run! F*ck them, save yourself. I think I sh*t my pants. Run!"

0:51 - They just tried to out run wind. You've got to be kidding. It didn't work. Sadly, it also didn't kill them.

0:54 - They are now in an abandoned house and Wahlberg is talking to a house plant as if he's a hostage negotiator, it turns out to be plastic. I really think I could do every drug on the planet in a hour and this movie would still seem ludicrous to me. But what a hour that would be, huh?

0:57 - So it appears it kills people only in large groups, so they try to keep their group small to survive. Also, a man just turned on a lawnmower and laid down in front of it as it ran him over. Fun!

1:02 - Remember that Bruce Willis movie "The Kid"? Well the kid from that movie just took a shotgun blast to the chest and his friend took one in the head. Walhberg says "I want out of this nightmare" I concur.

1:06 - Wahlberg and Co. come to a rundown old house and the old woman living there offers them dinner. She doesn't know what's "happened". This woman's got some pain behind her eyes.

1:14 - Well it got the old woman, she was a loon anyway. She had this weird doll sleeping in a bed. Never trust anyone over 12 who has dolls. She slammed her head against the house then into a window.

1:20 - Wahlberg is in one house, his wife is in another. They can hear each other through a pipe somehow. He says it's not right and if they're gonna die they will die together and goes outside to see her and she comes outside too. I have nothing funny here, it's just so sad.

1:23 - It didn't kill them. Hooray. Fast forward to some time after, the news thinks it's a warning for people to treat the planet better. Also, Wahlberg's wife is now preggers.

1:26 - It starts "happening" in Paris. The end?

Well that might very well have been the worst movie ever. I understand the theme of how terrible we treat this planet, but the dialogue and acting were simply atrocious. I did enjoy one part, when Mark Wahlberg says to himself "Be scientific douchebag."

I don't like to label things as best ever or worst ever often, but I am having a difficult time coming up with something that would top this piece of crap. Feel free to email if you can think of a worse movie.

After watching this, if the Sox lose to the Yankees as well tonight then I am laying in front of a moving lawnmower after the game.

No comments: